Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Why you need to hire me out of Oklahoma...


The wonderful thing about technology is that it allows even the most inane and inept people to relay their surrounds to a worldwide audience of even more inane and inept people. As I sit in the computer lab now, I am across from two gentlemen... scratch that, two behemoths in cowboy hats worn Toby Keith style, Carhartt vests, cowboy boots with their jeans tucked into the top, and camouflage shirts. These were not real cowboys; being from Oklahoma it easy to spot a Cowboy wannabe.
If I could get any closer I'm sure they would smell like Charlton Heston after a bawdy night of liquor and song. But the kicker, ladies and gentlemen, is that they walked all the way across the room and placed a trash can between themselves and proceeded to use it as a spittoon.

The scary thing, readers, is these two can, with just a few clicks, actually create and publish their own blog. Perhaps we’ve set the point of entry too low for Internet users.

The problem with the Internet is that there is so much democracy. Now, before you haul off and start calling me an E-Communist, let me outline my platform for a cleaner, more beautiful Internet. Let me readdress my list of grievances:

1. There are too many angst-filled, emo kids with Xangas, MySpaces and Facebook profiles. Their bathtub mowhawks and tales of crying to the lyrics from bands with names like Mid-Summer July, Carson Midnight Dreams, and Hot Water Music is not a value added product of the web. My suggestion, make a "Kiddie Web" requiring proof of your emotional age. We could ask questions such as:

1. You've had a bad day at school. Do you:
A. Go to the gym and sweat it off
B. Hop on MSN Messenger and tell the world about it
C. Cry while listening to Hawthorn Heights
D. Post the experience to Facebook, MySpace, Xanga, Orkut, and Blogger

Standardization would not only keep you from having to view the atrociously designed sites found in 90% of MySpace profiles but the fear of stumbling across your cousin’s drunken weekend at your lake house will be diminished greatly.

*Sweet money making tip, if you do decide to transition from the “Grown Up” Internet to the “Kiddo” Internet, a short ad would be displayed during the jump. Just an idea.*

And then there are the sociopaths or the guys that really shouldn’t be allowed to have blogs at all. Like these guys. Although, I wouldn't say that to their faces.

I believe every blog program should come installed with a spell checker that automatically deletes the post or locks the profile if too many grammatical errors or spelling errors are detected. This might kill the proliferation of sentences such as:

ZOMG! The WII is 1337!

But this is one man’s humble opinion as to how we might make the Internet a better place. I will sleep soundly knowing the Cowboy hacks were only updating their résumés for jobs that will hopefully place them incredibly far away from the Internet.

Here is some useful information for you to enjoy.


At 2:15 PM, Anonymous Jessie said...

As much as I enjoy reading your blogs, I rather disagree with you here. True, there are people out there that have no clue what they're doing online or even what they're posting, but that doesn't mean that we should take away their freedom.

Those crying Emo kids might be using their blogs and MySpace websites as an outlet for teenage angst. While I don't advocate for MySpace specifically, other websites that allow anyone to get out their feelings are not the bad guys in my book. Who cares if there are 15 year-old boys who want to tell the world that they cry to Hawthorne Heights when their girlfriend breaks up with them.

I don't believe in censorship on TV, so I won't let myself be hypocritical on the matter of the internet. There are a plethora of TV shows and websites out there that I would consider not worth anyone's time, but with that being said, I won't allow myself to waste my time on them. Just because it's there does not mean it has to be acknowledged. If you ban certain people from the internet, will that not ensure that a large portion of people will be left behind in this age of technology?

Practice makes perfect.

At 7:43 AM, Blogger Clint James said...


Thanks for the comment. I loved every word of it even if you don't agree with me. Perhaps, if not banning these people or censoring them, we should instead use the gentle backhand of persuasion.

Let's bifurcate the Internet and make a kiddo's section and a section for those that are emotionally graduated to the point of being able to present themselves in a responsible light. That or make an "Information Superhighway" and a "Scenic Route" with sites that have info and sites that... well, don't do much at all.

Also, heck, if a spell checker needs to edit their posts or locks them out of their account we'd be doing the world a favor and making a generation of kids better at grammar. That way, everybody wins!

At 3:59 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...


I think seeing those two guys at the computer lab kind of comes with the territory of going to State.

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